Cordially, Rachel Berry
by purrpickle
Summary: Rachel Berry has a new assignment for Sociology class: become a pen pal with Inmate #00378, S. AU, Pezberry.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I don't own Glee nor the characters within. Alright, since I posted this on tumblr, I figured I should go ahead and post this here. :}

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><p><em>Dear Inmate #00378,<em>

_My name is Rachel Berry. I am a junior at William McKinley High School, and today we were given the assignment of writing to a member of the incarcerated for my Sociology class. As I wish to maintain my perfect G.P.A., I am putting forth all effort to provide a safe and encouraging environment for you to communicate with the outside world. Or, at least, an impartial audience of one: me._

_As you have no doubt noticed already, I have enclosed a headshot with this letter. I hope to become a world famous Broadway actor someday, and I am a firm believer that any exposure is good exposure. One never knows how networking might turn out in their favor. I have also gotten assurance that no one enrolled in this pen pal program has a history of stalking or identity fraud. I would appreciate it if that stayed true._

_I have also enclosed a list of suggested topics to discuss in your return letter. It shall hopefully help foster a rewarding pen pal relationship._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

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><p><strong>Yentl,<strong>

**You are either completely insane or self involved to have sent me a) a headshot, and b) a list of topics. I'm guessing both.**

**S.**

**P.S. A fricken' gold star? You're absolutely nuts.**

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><p><em>Dear S.,<em>

_I would thank you to a) send me longer letters, and b) not disparage me and my ancestral heritage. If you were so "appalled" by my structured correspondence, why did you write back?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Gold stars are my signature. They are a metaphor._

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**I only wrote back because I was forced to. If I don't, I won't get paroled in four months. I DON'T want to.**

**S.**

**P.S. Metaphor for what? Burnout?**

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><p><em>Dear S.,<em>

_If your parole depends on writing to me, perhaps you should start an actual dialogue?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. No. Gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star. Goldie?_

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**No.**

**S.**

**P.S. Gold star. Duh.**

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><p><em>Dear S.,<em>

_Yes._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. My name is Rachel._

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><p><strong>GOLDIE.<strong>

**S.**

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><p><em>Dear S.<em>

_I had a very nice day today. You?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Fine. If you insist on calling me Goldie, shall I give you your own nickname?_

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**Prison is shit every day.**

**S.**

**P.S. Take your best shot.**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_I'm sorry to hear that. I've taken the liberty of sending you a small care package because, even if you insist on not taking this seriously, I am going to. You won't find anything too impressive, as I don't know what I am or am not allowed to send, as well as what your personal preferences are. Please write back with your impressions. And please be honest. Thank you._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**WOODY? What the hell? NO. Not cool.**

**S.**

**P.S. Send more Haribo Frogs. Those things are tight.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I don't own any of the shows or comics or characters mentioned.

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_I'm afraid that you have no control over your nickname. You told me to give you my best shot, so I have. And at this time, I choose to not share with you the reasons for choosing that name, so don't bother asking. Any query will be ignored._

_I am very happy that my package was well received, and that it was allowed to be delivered to you. I will be happy to send more Haribo Frogs, but please don't expect them too often. Do you have any other thoughts about the package?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**I do NOT approve. Tell me.**

**S.**

**P.S. Historical fiction is boring. Got anything more NOW-ish?**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_Though I assure you the book I sent you is not boring in the least, I understand that historical fiction is not everyone's cup of tea, either. What would you prefer? Science fiction? Romance? Mysteries? If you tell me any of your favorite authors, I'm sure I could get an idea of what kind of books you like. And what did you think of the calendar? Everyone needs a good calendar._

_Is there anything you do for fun?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**Anything except historical fiction and westerns. No. Scratch that. Got any kickass graphic novels? Batwoman is the shit.**

**Does sitting in a tiny cell, trying to ignore the crazy shrieking from down the hallway count as having 'fun'?**

**S.**

**P.S. I WILL make you tell me. Do you believe in Voodoo?**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_While I don't necessarily agree with your choice of graphic novels, I DID decide to read a couple before deciding if they were worth sending. After all, one should always strive to have things that not only challenge them academically, but feed the brain as well. While a few seemed absolutely frivolous, I must admit that the Batwoman one I picked up was… Fascinating. Then, going along with the theme of 'powerful women', I moved onto She-Hulk and Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. I must admit that Buffy, the show, is a guilty pleasure of mine, so it was quite satisfying that the comics only upheld the quality of the show. I'm sure that you will enjoy it as well, even if you are not a fan of the show._

_As for the shrieking… No. That doesn't sound like any definition of fun that I know of. Unless, of course, one happens to live in Dante's hell. Since I'm not quite sure of what you're allowed in your cell, do you have anything you can listen to instead of… That? I'd be happy to send along a CD of my singing. I'm sure it would brighten up your day._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Voodoo? Must you resort to such means? No. I don't believe._

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**I guess your choices of comics were adequate. But who knew such a little crazy girl with illusions of grandeur knew about She-Hulk? Maybe there's hope for you yet. So: Buffy or Faith?**

**Fuck no. I don't want to hear your squawking. Let me have Big Bertha's screaming. Hell, I'm sure you're just as annoying as that obnoxious Barbara chick.**

**S.**

**P.S. Bet you've been having pains in your lower back. Feel like telling me, yet?**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_BARBRA! BARBRA STREISAND! NOT BARBARA! And she is NOT obnoxious! She is only the most amazing and revolutionary female singer of her time. She is breathtaking. She is pure magic. I will NOT tolerate any ill words towards my idol. None!_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. BARBRA!_

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_I apologize for that last letter. Though I do not apologize for the sentiment of what I said, I do apologize for how… Emphatically I shared my thoughts. I very often get passionate. It's the price of being a diva. A born diva. Growing into the diva I'm destined to be._

_I've been told I am apt to go overboard about things I strongly believe in, but while I will say I could be able to tone things down, I will defend that there is nothing wrong with believing in something strongly; believing in the defense of people strongly; believing in my beliefs strongly._

_Still, I'm sorry. _

_I do hope you forgive me._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Buffy. Faith is too… Skanky for me. Though I respect her character and the journey she goes through, Buffy speaks to me more. She always tries to do the right thing, and though she may make mistakes every once in a while, she continues to do what everyone needs her to do. What she needs to do. Like me and my singing, she doesn't give up. Just like I'm never going to give up._

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**Whoah. Calm. The. Fuck. Down. You're crazy. Barbara/Barbra, same thing. Jeez, you'd think I'd just kicked a puppy or shot your grandmother.**

**S.**

**P.S. Did I mention you're crazy? 'Cuz you are.**

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**Whatever. Your choice to go bat-shit crazy. It's not like I have any OTHER psycho chicks talking to me. And it's not like I cared that you 'yelled' at me.**

**Buffy, huh? Can't say I'm surprised. Though I really didn't need all that crap about your life. You should work on that. Me? Faith all the way. She's bad. Ass.**

**S.**

**P.S. So. Lower back. Any pain?**


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Woody,_

_Thank you for accepting my apology, roundabout as it was. I appreciate it and will do my best not to fall into another 'cloud of impulse', as my father tends to say. Shall we start on a somewhat new footing?_

_You will see that within this package I have sent you a CD of my singles, regardless of your previously stated disinterest. I can guarantee with one hundred percent satisfaction that you will enjoy, if not all (though unlikely as that would be) of the songs, you will enjoy a goodly amount. My friend Mercedes, after some intense discussion, convinced me that not everyone enjoys Broadway musicals as much as I do (which I still put forth is ridiculous as Broadway musicals are TIMELESS), so I mixed in some songs that are very much more 'popular'. The complete track listing is within the jewel case. Your thanks is not necessary, even though, as I am sure, that amateur disc shall become QUITE valuable in the future._

_Is there anything you wish to talk about?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. There has been no proof of any voodoo 'happenings'. I suggest you give up on that fantasy._

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**First, you are incredible. And I mean that as incredibly INSANE. But sure, whatever. At least writing to you kills some of the absolute boredom of this place. As well as I can always use your letters as extra drawing paper. Oh, and I notice your handwriting has gotten less ugly. Getting some help with that?**

**Second, I don't think I have met anyone else as completely self-assured as you – and that's saying a lot because, well, there's me, and I know for a fact that I am completely worthy of my place as HBIC of this place. It would be kind of admiring if you weren't so annoying about it. Work on that, too.**

**…But you MIGHT have somewhat of a nice voice. Maybe. It was hard to hear past all the nasal-ness. But what I could hear at least kept tune. So that's good. Oh, apparently some of the other girls in here seemed to want to take pity on you because your CD is currently being passed around. I don't really care, but you might want to send more copies – some of these bitches have clumsy-ass fingers. Just sayin'.**

**Isn't it obvious I never have anything to talk about? Every day's exactly like the last. Fun.**

**S.**

**P.S. You should be happy to know that in the last sweep of my cell the guards found my voodoo doll of you and confiscated it. Bitch knows why. So congratulations. You're safe from lower back pain now. Yaaay.**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_I am really so popular with your fellow inmates? That may not be the… Usual audience I have, but it is no less satisfying. I am happy to send along more copies of the CD, as well as another one with all new numbers we worked on this past week in glee club. It was Britney Spears week, and though Baby One More Time may not be the best song to share with the incarcerated, now that I think about it, I am still happy to give you my rendition. Please let me know what you think. (I am choosing, obviously, to ignore your comments about my voice being nasal. I know they are false and just part of your strange need to make fun of my Jewish heritage.)_

_HBIC? I'm afraid I don't know that initialism. From how you use it, however, I'm sure it's not something bad or shameful. My apologies if I am wrong in that assumption._

_And though it's not really your business, you are my pen pal, so I guess I might as well share with you why my handwriting has improved. As it is my junior year of high school, I'm starting to look into college applications and the like, and after a rather RUDE letter back from the admissions coordinator of a college I am definitely NOT going to attend (which has nothing to do with her correspondence, I swear), I realized that my destined life as a Broadway star does not exempt me from moving away from imperfect handwriting._

_I still wish to take this time and blame my grade school teachers for so poorly teaching cursive._

_You draw? Here, I am including a couple pieces of blank paper to help foster your hobby (or is it more than a hobby?). Though I cannot make you send me a drawing back, I would be very appreciative to see how it is you express yourself artistically. I must admit I am quite curious! And if it helps any, I can always send you an official drawing pad in my next package, if you'd like. Oh, I'll just send it with this one anyway. So, surprise! Enjoy. No need to thank me for that, either._

_So… Woody… I don't know if you noticed or not, but I believe your last letter to me was almost as long as two or three other letters of yours combined! Are you finally warming up to me? I do hope so. (Though I debated whether or not to even bring this up, I figured to just go ahead and point it out. Please don't take that as an invitation to clam back up again. That would just be spiteful.)_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Even though I know it is ridiculous to put any stake in your voodoo, I can't help but feel at least a little mentally safer now. Make of that as you will._

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**This is me being spiteful.**

**S.**

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><p><strong>Goldie,<strong>

**You honestly thought that was the only letter I was going to write this time, wasn't it? I would have LOVED to see your face. You already have some sort of complaining letter on its way to me, don't you? You do. I know you do.**

**Well, you'll be happy to know your new CDs are also a big hit. Hell, I think Amanda, down in Cell Block D is even thinking about forming an 'official Rachel Berry fan club'. She even paid me a pack of cigarettes to include a note from her. If I didn't forget, it's wrapped up in my letter. Don't go getting even bigger of a head, now. …Though, you know, maybe it would finally fit with your nose. Really, you make it too easy.**

**The drawing pad has come in handy. The picture I know I included was drawn on it. I don't want to hear any criticisms, as I didn't have too much free time. I've been drafted to work in the library. The stink of desperation and musty law books, joy.**

**HBIC is Head Bitch in Charge. Really, you go to WMHS. Shouldn't you know that?**

**S.**

**P.S. You DO believe! Been lying about the lower back pain, huh?**

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_That's not nice. Please don't revert back to your old habits. I even promise not to mention your letter writing habits in the future._

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. And no, the Haribo Frogs aren't a bribe. I promise._

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><p><em>Dear Woody,<em>

_I'm sorry. You know William McKinley High? Personally?_

_Cordially,_

_Rachel Berry *_

_P.S. Another letter containing more response to your letter shall be following this one. I just felt the need to get this burning question out first, no matter the overwhelming pride of hearing about my own fan club and my admiration of your art, thank you._


End file.
